Growing Painz

In this episode:

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Hello dear readers! I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote, but I finally made time to sit down and gather my thoughts. I hope you are all doing well, and keeping up with healthy habits, or starting up with new, healthy habits that will carry you to a better place. I know last time I kind of talked about doing a mini-series on masculinity and I still intend to do that, but it's on the back burner for now. I just wanted to write to write today. Sometimes I get in those moods where I feel stifled if I don't take time to sit down and write.

Today, I wanted to take some time to talk about some of the trials of seeking to grow myself. Maybe you have encountered or will encounter some of the same dilemmas, so I hope this piece will resonate with you.

I find myself in a weird phase of life. I'm in a relatively new place, in a relatively new job, pretty far away from home, still in the process of making friends, and not romantically involved. A lot of this seems pretty ordinary, but I think it's the combination of all of them that creates a new territory for me. I have long commutes to work that I'm honestly thankful for, since they give me time to be in my head for a little bit before work so I can get it out of my system in order to be more focused at work. It also gives me time to listen to podcasts and listen to new ideas or just be entertained for a little bit. Two of the really awesome podcasts I've been listening to have been the Tony Robbins Podcast and the Lewis Howes School of Greatness. Both are kind of motivational and focused on self-discovery and improvement. I highly recommend both of them (Link to the podcast episode). Anyway, one of them focused on the idea of "somatic intelligence," understanding the way the body and mind interact and how things like stress and trauma are stored in the body. It was a new idea to me so those episode were my first foray into the subject, but I feel like they gave me a comprehensive introduction into the elements that make up somatic intelligence. One of the elements the expert, Chen Lizra, discusses, is elegance, which she describes as "the quietness of being in ourselves." I thought that was a description of such great economy. I know that I'm notorious for getting caught up in my head and not being in the moment and having trouble being present. I didn't really think twice about it. I mean I'd try to be "more present," but all that made me do was be more in my head and trying to think harder about the situation I'm in. When I really paid more attention to my body language and began to understand how it affects the image I project, it all made sense.

There are many times when I get in my head that make me feel like I'm not fully in my body, like the entirety of my being is just in the bowling ball on my shoulders. It sounds weird, but when you think about it, I think many people can relate to not feeling 100% in the moment and feel almost as though they're an observer in that moment, rather than an active participant. I've made it a goal to be more cognizant and aware, at least before I do something, of my body language. It's weird because it's one of those things where you can't really be aware and be in the moment at the same time. So I try to make sure, for example, before I walk through my office doors, that I do a quick "scan" of my body in terms of feeling. This is a really cool and easy tool I learned in group therapy. We'd often start the session with some breathing exercises, followed by the body scan at the end of the breathing exercise. This was a way to see where the muscles and parts of my body were holding tension. Was I feeling tense in my gut? Maybe I had my arms crossed tightly? The worst offender for me was holding tensions in my trap muscles, and one of my buddies will tell you that I look "stiff" when my shoulders would raise up like that. Once I'd identify where that tension is, I'd do a quick run-through of what could potentially be the source of that stress. Maybe I'm nervous about a presentation coming up later that day. Maybe I'm upset with something my parents said on the phone and I'm clenching my traps. Doing that scan allows me to take a step back, examine the stress, process it, and put it to rest in a reasonable way. This keeps it from building up over time. I've found that this has significantly reduced anxious feelings and I feel generally more in myself than before. There are still moments like today where I feel like I'm 50/50, but it will be some time before I get to be at 100%. All in good time.

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What I really wanted to address was the issue of growing painz (Yes, with a 'z'. Deal with it.) Often when I discuss things about breaking out of my shell and whatnot, I talk about the wins, which are important to discuss. Think about your favorite college football team. When they win, the fans feel amazing, the team is euphoric, and they want to win more. But there's also something to be said about a humbling loss that can also be a motivator, as sometimes the hard truths in losses come up that can't necessarily be found in victory.

For me, this L came in the form of a realization. I shouldn't say that the realization is necessarily bad; the realization is just a fact and whatever judgment I pass on it is my own creation. I've always been the person to be thinking of the next step, what's next for my career, relationships, etc. While dating someone, it was always "what's the next step for us in the relationship?" and while not romantically involved it's always "who's next for me to be involved with?" Thinking ahead was good but always kept me from being in the moment. I didn't really think anything of it until recently when I quit using dating apps indefinitely after using them for almost two months. I had met a partner from an app a while ago, then after that ended I hopped back on. The soul-crushing drudgery of swiping and small talk wasn't fulfilling. But I wasn't seeing the bigger issue here. The bigger issue was that I could absolutely NOT stand the idea of having to spend too much time alone, being with my thoughts. I'd always needed a distraction, and someone to fill a void I had created on my own. Now, I could always do things on my own, take self to a sit-down restaurant and eat a meal by myself without feeling too weird, spend a day alone in museums or whatnot, but I couldn't do it for prolonged periods of time. It was then that I realized that I couldn't stand myself, or at least the part of me that had to be alone with my thoughts over a long period of time. That hit me like a brick.

The reason I was not willing to be on my own with my own thoughts was because I was afraid I'd self-reflect and find some ugly truths about myself that I wouldn't like. That would mean I'd have to change. And nobody likes to change. So that's kind of where I am, in between the realization that that's why I couldn't be on my own, and making a plan to be at ease with myself and comfortable in my own skin. That's where I was going with the whole "learning to be in your body" deal. Chen Lizra talks in the podcast about living in our "true essence," which is made up of different qualities, but learning about how the body and mind interact in paramount for me to living in my true essence. I think I've had a small taste of it in the moments where I've felt near-100% in my skin, but it's going to take some time (and a whole lot of patience) before I get to a point where I'm consistently living in my true essence. I know myself to like being a happy person, goofing around, and easygoing. Embodying that is the next challenge, and something I hope we can all work toward.

Check out the link to the podcast! Remember that I don't get any kickback or anything from outside sources, so I'm suggesting these solely on the merit of their content quality. Enjoy!!