Update #4: Head/space
- P is for Positive
- Jun 20, 2018
- 7 min read
In this episode: I get fancy and add a subheading to the post name, take a walk, and make a (failed) attempt to organize my thoughts.
Hi everyone, I hope you like the slight change to the title where I've added a clever (if you can call it that) subheading. Just another step in the continuous improvement of this blog! Anyway, I hope your past week in growth has been productive. I've been humming along in mine, and I wanted to put it down on paper while I have all the ideas in my head, and to give me time to organize everything before the usual Wednesday afternoon posting time.
Last Tuesday was my last individual therapy session, and as I get ready to transition to a new chapter of life with a new job and location, I can't help but look back and feel incredibly grateful. I saw my therapist for maybe five sessions, and one of those was a kind of meet and greet. I just feel grateful that I've been able to make so much progress in these last few weeks. I realize I still have a LOT of work to do, but the more progress I make, the more clarity I gain on what I'm up against. The task of building up my self-esteem has been no cake walk, and there are still days where I can feel low due to small disturbances, but now I have a little bit better handle on how to deal with them. I've been continuing the affirmations, the same ones from Update #2, and I have another two or three weeks with those before I need to re-evaluate.
I had some other realizations the last couple of days that have been helpful in understanding the underlying issues regarding my self-esteem, and even some things that helped me understand my lack of patience with some of my family members. I love them to pieces, but sometimes they can get on my last nerve, and I know I really need to try and do better with being patient and understanding. I was having a conversation with a friend a while back about how my younger sister can sometimes annoy me and I get impatient, and the friend felt similarly toward a younger sibling and said "well they're family, that's just how it is sometimes." At the time, I accepted it as being true, because it is true to an extent. For those who grew up with siblings, we know the struggle of learning our first social skills with people who (whom?) we've known since we were picking boogers together back in the day. But eventually we have to make the effort to grow out of that and appreciate the bonds of family. I feel like this is especially important to do in Desi cultures, because the family is such a focal point of life for many. If I can treat others outside my family with patience and respect, I should be able to treat my own people with that same patience and respect.
I feel like that's common sense as I write it, but putting it into practice has proven harder than I thought. A lot of the frustrations I have with my family interactions do come from myself, and I need to learn not to take it out on them. For example, my dad will ask me to do something (as all Desi dads do) and I won't know how to do it. Now he doesn't know how to do it either, but I try my best to work it out. I feel bad that I don't know how to solve the problem or do the task, and just get plain frustrated that I can't do it. Keep in mind that my dad has been patient and doesn't rush me while I try to figure it out, but in my mind I've become this mess of frustration and disappointment in myself that I have still not figured it out. Eventually I get it, and my dad is thankful, but I usually end up being upset after this scenario, by my own creation. This has hurt my self-esteem in the past by putting myself down, but I realize that I have to keep the success in mind -- that I eventually figure it out, and that my dad is thankful I was able to accomplish the task. Sometimes the frustrations do, in fact, come from the family members but I always try to talk it out when I have calmed down.
So the main thing I actually wanted to write about today deals with taking time for myself in the growth process to let myself recharge. I'm really happy with the progress I've made so far, and I'm realizing that it's important to let my mind have a little rest along my journey. (I keep saying progress as if it's a start-and-finish kind of thing, but I just mean growing through life in general). I'm the kind of person who always likes to be doing something and keeping my mind busy. Maybe that's part of living in a society that values productivity and it's been ingrained in me, but I like feeling like I have something to do that adds value to my time and to society. If not for society, then at the very least for myself and my peace of mind.
Today I thought it would be cool to visit one of the local art museums that I've been meaning to check out, but never made the time to do. Honestly it drew me in because I saw that it was free (who doesn't love free stuff?) and so I decided to check it out. I'm that person that stands in front of the placards reading every bit of the information about the piece, so it gave me a good break from the daily routine of sitting around and volunteering on certain days. I liked some of the art, and though it was a small museum, it was nice to just get out and do something I enjoy. This was the Rollins College Cornell Fine Arts Museum, and it's situated right next to a lake. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to go, and I walked along the trail that runs along the shore of the lake. It was really peaceful just going out there and enjoying the breeze, taking in fresh air, and walking in the quiet afternoon by myself to have some headspace for my thoughts. I tried to keep my mind mostly clear, but it was nice to have some focus without the distractions of being home. I even took a nice picture of the gazebo. I tried being artsy and I know that's not really my thing, but I felt proud of this picture.
On my drive back home, I listened to a song I had heard a while back in a DJ set by The Knocks that I saw on YouTube. This song just feels so lush and it matched the mood perfectly: windows down, beautiful summer day, good feelings. I'm a big fan of this kind of French/disco house (or whatever genre it is, I don't know honestly), and getting back to my roots felt so good. Life is beautiful when I listen to this song.
You're probably thinking that this has nothing to do with personal growth and self-esteem, but these are all components that have been important in my growth: finding things that I like to do, finding things that interest me and make me happy, and giving myself some all-important rest as I continue to progress. I've always tried to make it a habit to treat myself once a week, even if it's something small. This was easier to do when I was working during internships, because the reward system was a little more clear-cut, specifically that I'd work hard throughout the week and then I'd either treat myself to a nice dinner on Thursday nights or I'd get donuts and coffee on Friday mornings before work. It was important for me to treat myself even if it was something small. It made me feel like my work was worthwhile and kept me looking forward to something.
I feel like with practice over time, I've gotten pretty good at figuring out the appropriate level of treating myself based on what the occasion is. I try not to spend too much money unnecessarily, so I like to keep it small anyway. For example, I want to do the Porsche Driving Experience in Atlanta, but I would do that to treat myself for a big reason, like a promotion or raise (then maybe I'd actually be able to afford it).
One thing I'm worried about is that if I treat myself well like that too often, I run the risk of spoiling myself too much. A little bit is okay, but I just want to keep a good balance. I need to make sure I earn the rewards. Now I want to be clear that free time and breaks are always necessary, and small treats are as well. But for me at least, bigger treats should be fewer and further between.
I know I've kind of been all over the place in this post, but I really couldn't come up with a better way to organize it than this. I wanted to say a few things regarding the affirmations to wrap up. I've still been using the same twelve affirmations from Update #2, and I have to say they are really helping me. One thing I try to make a point to do is as every day goes by that I read them from my journal, I try to read them with more confidence, having more strength in my tone and volume in the way I say it. Now, I'm not going to keep going till I'm screaming at the mirror. That would just be ridiculous. But I've definitely noticed a change in the way I stand and look at myself and say the words when I read them. I kind of grimace when I say the affirmations that I'm struggling with (e.g. patience with family) but that's a good way to keep myself in check because once I am comfortable that I do those things, then it'll feel right saying it.
Next time, I'll talk a little bit about fear-setting, and some new experiences I have to try and make that happen. (I would've written about it in this post, but the experience is happening after the time that I post this. So keep an eye out for that next week!)
Until then, happy growing!
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